As a parent, your days are filled with taking care of others. Whether it’s your adorable little baby, a fragile foster child, or a terrible teen, your kids are A LOT of work (not to mention all of your other responsibilities). But, I ask, when is the last time you took care of you?

In an incredibly insightful book, Wounded Children Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families, there is a whole chapter dedicated to parents and how you should take care of yourselves. I recommend reading this book, but for now,  I will sum up this special chapter to help you take a breath and take some time for yourself.

It is likely that your child might be dealing with some problems of their own based on their past trauma. But, for your sake, take note that you are not the source of these problems, and you are not a bad parent (despite what some outsiders might believe). Also take into account, that all families are different, so do not compare yours to others. I know, it can be difficult to stop comparing your family, after all a lot of us even compare each others cars, but know that people have different behaviors, beliefs, and expectations, so trust in yourself and your family.

“Taking care of yourself is not just talking and thinking positively, but also DOING!”

While comparing is not helpful, connecting with other adoptive and foster parents is. Sometimes you have to vent all your frustrations but find that no one around you can truly understand and relate with you, but other parents can. Find yourself either a formal (post-adoption support groups, foster family support organization) or informal (online chat rooms, facebook pages) support system to listen to you and give you advice. Just talking can be incredibly therapeutic, and you’re not alone in your need for support. Take it a step further and find you and your family an adoption-competent family therapist. Now, the adoption-competent part is very important because such therapists have in-depth training in understanding the dynamics of adoptive families and children with extreme behavior or attachment issues. To find a therapist, contact a post-adoption program or adoption agency in your area.

Taking care of yourself is not just talking and thinking positively, but also DOING! And by that, I mean, do things that make you happy and help your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. Parenting is bound to take up most of your time, but remember to nurture your relationships with others, like your spouse, family, friends, and members of your religious community. Also, get away and go on dates with yourself. Find respite care to allow yourself to take a break from your child. Informal respite care involves asking a trusted friend or family member to supervise your child while you go do whatever you want (dinner, movie, reading, hiking, etc.). Be sure to find someone you can rely on and trust to take good care of you child. If your child has some extra challenges which a family member or friend might not be able to handle, take advantage if formal respite care, which may be offered through post-adoption service agencies, foster care organizations, programs for developmentally delayed children, or community service organizations. These services will provide trained and experienced caregivers for your child with special needs. While taking time alone to have fun or relax is completely necessary, taking time to have fun with a child is equally as important. Your child may be difficult sometimes, and you may find yourself completely overwhelmed with their behaviors, but be sure to show them and yourself, that you are family. Go bowling, watch a movie, cook or bake together, read stories, or just joke and talk with each other. Spending quality time is a fantastic way to  relieve stress and also bond. A parent-child relationship is one of the most important things for a child to become a successful adult, so take time to build that relationship.

There is a lot of work ahead of you, parent. Not only with your child and your family, but also yourself. While your child is your number one priority, you are also priority. Realize that you are doing the he best you can, find people to talk to, take time for yourself, and build your parent-child relationship. After all, your family needs YOU.