This is a quote from a book I just read in my wonderful adoption class: “All families struggle to find equilibrium when they integrate a new member, whether through birth, adoption, or marriage.” I would like to share some thoughts from this book with you.

When a new child is brought into a family, it can be difficult on the existing children. Usually, the existing biological or adopted children get limited information about their new sibling, and the information they receive is mostly about the good things that will be happening within the family. Their new sibling might have had some negative experiences in their past which can explain their adaptive behavior that can create a negative dynamic in the family. To prevent this, finding a balance of the right amount of information to give the existing children, will help the dynamic. Adoptive parents feel like they are fully prepared prior to the adoption, even when they know the child has special needs. The parents have multiple support systems like social workers, family, spouse, and adoption agency, to help work through the tough times. But do the existing children have adequate support systems? They try to help their parents when they see they are overwhelmed which can create more physical and emotional harm to themselves. So how can this be prevented? Parents shouldn’t disclose intimate details of abuse or trauma, but should explain a reason why they are acting the way they are or why they are not behaving the way they should. They should also provide children with a positive support network by checking with the adoption agency or counseling services and assure their existing children that that they are safe.

“All families struggle to find equilibrium when they integrate a new member, whether through birth, adoption, or marriage.”

By bringing a new member into the family, it could make existing biological or adopted children feel like they are losing their parents. Parents are so focused on helping the new member adjust to their new environment, especially if the adoptee has special needs and needs more help, but the other children lives are usually impacted negatively. Existing siblings’ lives are maybe impacted by not being able to go to their activities, being forced to do things by themselves, and not being able to open up to their parents anymore. It is understandable to not be able to do everything for everyone as a parent, but there are some adjustments that can be done to make the existing children feel better. Parents can attend school events, go shopping, or pursue a hobby with each child, this is done to make sure each child gets their equal time with their parents. Also, creating an environment where children can have open communication so that if children are upset about what is going on, they can feel comfortable enough to bring it up so the anger will not continue building until the point of no return. Lastly, making sure existing biological and adopted children’s activities are not restricted so they don’t have to give up on the activity they enjoy or something they are passionate about.

You will have a hard job in front of you and it will take time for the new member of the family to adjust and for your existing children to get used to the different dynamic, but as a parent, you will do well. The important thing is to find a strong support system, for yourself and your existing children. Your family will have ups and downs, so use your system and communicate with each other. Most importantly, enjoy the time you have growing together as a family.