Dating with Dignity and ASD
Time for the big question! Will you go on a date with me? After meeting someone you may be interested in romantically, it is important to read both verbal and nonverbal cues to see if they are interested in dating you as well. Body language is specifically a good way to judge if another person is interested in you, and that can be quite challenging for one with ASD. All body language including eye contact, body orientation, and physical contact can be key to knowing how someone feels about you. It is important to gauge disinterest just as much as interest. Working towards understanding different tones of voice or avoidance can be helpful when pursuing a romantic partner.
You can use the cues for detecting interest to help show interest as well! It is especially important to understand what is and is not appropriate in romantic relationships. For example, flirting is often beneficial when pursuing someone romantically, but gauging body language and common interest can help determine if the flirtatious joke would be welcomed or perceived as offensive. If you don’t know what flirting is no need to fear! It is simply letting someone know you have deeper feelings for them by expressing a deeper interest through both verbal or nonverbal communication.
Appropriate behavior is always good, but personal hygiene is just as important. Creating connections with others is always easier after a nice shower, putting on deodorant, and clean clothes.
After finding someone you enjoy spending time with and are attracted to, eventually you will need to go beyond social cues and ask your special someone on a date. This is nerve-wracking for everyone! Consider role playing with a close friend or family member to help build confidence before asking someone on a date. You may consider asking the person out in-person rather than through texting. This could help you have control of the situation rather than open the door for others to become involved.
Of course asking someone on a date can go two ways! They can say yes sounds great or no thank you.
If the person you ask out says yes that means you get to plan an exciting date! It is always important to remember that while you may be similar, you may have different ideas of what is fun. Make sure to pick an activity that you think both of you will be comfortable doing and that you will enjoy yourself! Make sure to consider what is best for you. For example, if you are sensitive to loud sounds or crowds, a mall or concert may not be the best first date. It is also beneficial for individuals with ASD to have a defined time for the date to reduce anxiety.
Unfortunately, rejection is always a possibility when asking someone out. Should asking a someone out on a date not go well, it is always beneficial to think of responses that are appropriate for rejection. For example, “Alright, no problem” is a great response! It can be embarrassing or even a little sad, but it is important to remember there are many fish in the sea.
If all goes well and the relationship continues to blossom having an open line of communication is helpful for individuals both neurotypical and with ASD. If the couple is moving in a direction where they want to express physical intimacy, both individuals need to explicitly express that they are comfortable with this. Sharing sensory concerns can also help foster a comfortable environment.
Dating and fostering a love interest helps many feel complete. Relationships take time and many often benefit from support from family and friends. Stay tuned for next week when we talk about finding a job!
Cheers,
Emily Mori, M.S., LGPC, NCC, CAS
As a strength-based therapist I believe mindfulness is the best approach to life's challenges. I help to empower clients seeking to move forward and to achieve their wellness goals.